Dear Accent
by Demyx-Glompie
Summary: Demyx writes a journal entry in his almost-forgotten journal, whom he names Accent, after his non-existant life. He'll write anything... of course, it won't be read, right? Rated T for yaoi references. Zemyx, ZexVex, and if you squint, slight VexDem.
1. Chapter 1

Dear Journal,

No wait… Journal? That's too… I don't know, normal, for me at least. I should name you- yeah! I'll name you something nice. How about…. Accent? Accent. I like that name! Okay then. My journal's name will now be Accent, because, you know, you're the 'accent' of my life? Get it? Haha!

Anyway, carrying on, Accent.

Since it's been a while since I wrote in a journal (I kind of forgot that I ever had one… a lot of stuff happened, and I guess you just end up forgetting about that kind of stuff, right?) I decided to write a little update and vow to keep updating on my life from now on. Okay? Okay, that's what I'll do.

Last time I wrote in my journal, it was back when I first joined the Organization, and I was afraid. Yeah… It was a while ago, I know! It's been almost a year now since I joined, and I met new people, found new things, and definitely got into a lot. Well, where should I start?

Let's start at the beginning.

Xemnas… oh, Mansex, as Axel likes to call him! I sure hope you don't find this here Accent, Superior… Or Axel's gonna get it! Although, you know, that's not my problem… he spread it around everywhere! Anyway, Superior kinda scares me… especially when I get into trouble. He once threatened to put me to sleep because I kept failing missions! I didn't think it was very fun to be scared like that… Or… just remembering what it was like to be scared, I guess. That was twice as scary, knowing I couldn't be scared!

Xigbar… I don't know why a lot of people don't like you, Xiggy! I think you're really cool. Xigbar taught me a lot of stuff, and he's always really nice. He sometimes touches me in weird places though… and I don't exactly wanna mention what he's done… but I know it's all in good intentions! Xigbar would never do anything bad to me! Yet, most of the members of the Organization try to keep him away from me… something about "rapist".

Xaldin… He's okay, I guess… He cooks a lot, and his food is always really good! Yet, I've learned to never try to help him in the kitchen… I can't cook… and I guess I proved that to everyone…

Vexen… Oh, Vexen! Vexen's so nice to me! I don't even know how, or why, but he always seems to be there. I spend a lot of time in his lab, helping him with experiments and making him remember what it was like to feel happy. I can tell that sometimes he actually gets happy when I'm there in the morning, waiting for him to get out of bed. He tries to hide the smile, but I always see it.

Lexaeus… He's my 'big brother' as a lot of people like to joke around. When I'm sad or need someone to be around, I go to Lex and he's always there to cheer me up! He doesn't say much to anybody else, but when I make him happy he smiles and pats me on the head and talks to me about anything I wanna talk about. Lexy is so nice!

Zexion… Oh my gosh… What can I say? Zexy… I really, really try to remember what it was like to love… I really do… but it's nothing compared to the sparks I feel now when the flares inside me ignite. It's almost like my non-existent heart tries to make me remember love, but it doesn't work, and the feeling I get is excruciating! Every time I see him, I get really excited and run to him. He always acts annoyed though, but I know that he really does try to care about me. The way his eyes shimmer just faintly whenever I joke around with him and take his book, the way his hair brushes really lightly across his cheek, the way he sways when I accidentally brush past him… I think I might just be falling for him a little bit… But don't tell _anyone_ I said that, Accent!

Saix… Puppy! Everyone thinks I'm _crazy_ for petting him and playing with him… but he really is my puppy! I only say that 'cause of how he's around and loyal and understanding. He's not much of an 'elder' member of the Organization like the others I've talked about, but he's the highest in rank of us newer members, and I can tell he's a little insecure at times… but he never has to worry, cause I'm always there to cheer him up!

Axel… I didn't really have a good impression of him when I first joined the Organization, because of how he treated me like I was some stupid little kid and teased me every chance he got. But he's grown closer and nicer to me over the past few months, and we started talking more like friends. He knows where to get the _best_ sea-salt ice cream, and we could spend hours talking on top of the station tower in Twilight Town with the bars of the blue treat, definitely including Roxas, of course!

Luxord… I don't know what's up with him, but he seems nice enough… The other members all don't like me to play games with him- maybe it's 'cause last time I did, I had to take all my clothes off… but I made a deal, and I always stick to my deals! The loser had to take their clothes off! And I did! B-but… sometimes I wonder if he really put that in there 'cause the game said to…

Marluxia… I have funny feelings about him sometimes. He's really tall and handsome, and everyone teases him for being gay, and horribly insensitive toward anybody… but I don't care about all that stuff! I don't believe it. All I think is that Marly needs a friend- someone he can turn to and talk to and spend time with. Plus, I can water all of his flowers for him and that makes him really happy- I can tell!

Larxene… She… can scare me sometimes, but I usually understand that it's just her nature. She's really sparky like her element and easily gets mad at me 'cause I poke around in her things… but what else am I supposed to to? She's a _girl_, and she's the only one! I just wanna know what girls like her do…

And finally, Roxas… he's really nice to me! He can be a bit jittery because of the stuff that's happened with Axel, but I can tell that he really has feelings for Ax. I always try to tell him to go for what he wants, and I guess he did, 'cause now he's happy and we're best friends! I love eating sea-salt ice cream with him… he makes it really fun.

Well, Accent, now you know about all the members of the Organization and what I think about them. But… I'm still kinda stuck on what I put down for Zexion… I think he makes me feel more than just that… It's really strange! I want to be able to feel for him, because of how much we've done, how much he's said he loves me, how much I've said I love him back… how many times he's touched me and made me feel excited… How many times I've done it back… All the kisses, all the hugs… We've grown so close…

But I don't want him to go yet! Not yet, Accent, not yet…

He barely ever pays attention to me anymore. He doesn't stop by to make sure I'm doing okay, he doesn't even get mad when I mess with his books in the library. He's always in with Vexen now, helping him with experiments like I used to.

Like _I_ used to. I used to help Vexen…

Vexen is ignoring me too now. He barely ever acknowledges me anymore, barely ever says hello or notices I'm there when I poke my head into the lab. It really hurts, Accent. I try to remember what that feeling is called all the time, but I'm not sure.

Could it be… _neglect? Loneliness?_

I just want them to notice me.

Whenever I see Zexion in the hall now, he's limping. I don't want Vexen to have hurt him, so I run over and ask him if he's okay. He doesn't even look at me when he says "Yes," and disappears through a portal to escape. When I go into the lab, Vexen quickly rushes to business, working too much to even notice I'm there.

Sometimes I sit in my room and cry now, because I can remember what it's like to feel that… that _hurt_. I wanna be noticed, Accent. I want them to notice me.

I want Zexion to love me again.

I want Vexen to want me to help him again.

I don't wanna feel so selfish anymore!

It makes me feel terrible to know that if they really do care about each other like Axel is trying to convince me they do, that I'm just trying to tear that relationship apart.

Accent! I would never do that! Why would I want to kill someone's happiness? That's the most horrible thing _ever_! I think about how I would feel if someone did that to me and I get all sad. That would be so mean.

But, yet, I can't stop feeling it.

I can't stop _remembering_ it.

I remember Myde's old feelings… the hurt, the sadness, the loneliness, the neglect, the want…

And then I remember my old remembrance of feelings- remembering the love, the care, and heat and excitement, remembering fright and exhilaration and everything else…

And then I tell myself, try to convince myself, that it's gone, and I cry.

Now, the funny thing is, Vexen or Zexion seemed to always rush to my aid when I cried.

One of them would always sense it. _Always_. It was like a little alert bell in the back of their head. **BZZT! BZZT! DEMYX IS SAD! ALERT! ALERT! DEMYX IS SAD! BZZTTT!**

But now, that tiny alert bell is gone, and nobody comes. I cry alone, holding Arpeggio close to me while I strum her thick strings and play to myself the songs I used to play to comfort Zexion when he was sad or assist Vexen in some of his research on my powers.

Then I cry _harder_.

I know that they used to love those songs, used to tell me I was so talented and to never stop playing. They used to always do that, and then they stopped.

Jeez, I'm getting myself worked up over you, Accent… your pages are getting all crinkly with my tears… I'm sorry about that.

Zexion, Vexen, you won't hear this I'm sure, but if you ever do happen to get your hands on my Accent, just know this- you mean a ton to me! You always have… You always will. I really care about the both of you. Zexion, your being, your every move and action makes me want to fly away with happiness. Vexen, your experiments, your dedication… I want to help you with your science and I want to learn more about it. And even when I get hurt, you're always there to help me out and make sure I'm okay. I just with you could do that now.

_I just wish that you could do that now_.

And as I write this long journal entry, Accent, Vexen and Zexion are together in the lab, working on something, I'm sure. I would know. I just heard the shatter of glass from this far away. They probably pushed something off the table… I remember when that would happen to me.

And here I sit alone in my room, nobody around except for you, Accent, and Arpeggio, leaned up against the wall as always, crying my eyes out, and no little alert bells chiming.

What hurts the most is that I know that I should be feeling _something_ as I cry about this. _Anything_. But it's all gone. There's _nothing there_.

And that's what scares me.

_THAT'S what scares me!_

The fact that I'm not scared!

The fact that I'm not upset!

The fact that I can't feel worry, or hurt, or sadness, or pain, or want!

I wanna feel those feelings again! I want everything I lost _back_. I don't want to be alone or ignored any more. Nuh uh. Not anymore, Accent.

Most of all, I want to feel something.

I don't even know what.

I want to feel the feeling of sitting in the lab, knowing I'm going to be tested on, but not dreading it, _awaiting_ it, awaiting the thrill and sheer terror of not knowing what would happen coursing through my cold veins. And then the feeling of the barely-sharp syringe, and the red-hot chemicals, and the glowing in my skin, and the excitement of being changed.

I want to feel the feeling of being alone and then suddenly having company, the normally anti-social Zexion sitting on my bed with me, stroking my hair, letting me know that I wasn't alone. I want the feeling of that, and the good feelings of his hand in mine, my arms around him, and cuddling him gently when he was sad.

Whatever feelings those are- I want them back.

I don't want to look up at the sky and see blackness, the ever-shining dreary moon, shaped like the hearts we don't possess, mocking me. I don't like that mocking, Accent. I don't like how it teases me, the orbs of other hearts floating up to ever brighten it's glow, almost nagging me of the fact that _I don't have what it contains._

I want to look up at the sky and see the red and orange and yellow sunset fingerpainted across the canvas of air and clouds, the sun shining fully, half-hidden behind the horizon. I want to stand there, warm hand in warm hand with Vexen and Zexion, the Organization cloak no longer hanging on my strong shoulders, the green grass plastered against the ground where my feet press. And I want to feel happiness and belonging, and I don't want to feel whatever I'm feeling now.

The sad part is, I know _exactly_ what I'm feeling now.

It's not loneliness. _Another __**crash**__ in the lab_.

It's not neglect… _I can see Zexion and Vexen growing __**closer**__ and __**closer **__to each other, the __**passion**__ dancing in their eyes._

…Not being forgotten. _They don't even __**realize **__how much it hurts me to be ignored__**, forgotten**__._

…I feel… _Closer and closer, as the __**tears**__ fall, darkening the dark shade of my __**cloak**__…_

…I… feel…_ It's __**killing**__ me inside…_

Nothing.

..

Well there you have it, folks. A nice little happy/emo/explanatory journal entry of Demyx. Most of the parts at the end are kinda based off of real life, kinda not, I wouldn't really know much about the Vexen/Zexion side. Most of the Demyx parts are real, however. But don't worry, I'm not always that sad xD I actually didn't cry once when writing this. It'll probably kick in sometime though.

I hope you all like it~ Make sure you leave reviews and such ^^

I'll try to edit this sometime o: Maybe add some more journal entries?~ You should let me know!

Sincerely, _DemyxGlompie_


	2. Chapter 2

**A.N.- this chapter is based off of actual events.**

Dear Accent,

Yeah, I guess it's been a little while since I actually wrote anything here… Sorry about that delay. Ha… Anyway, I have some things I need to pour out onto paper. Like, things that I'm so confused about- that nobody else can help me with. The only people I can turn to are the people who are involved. And maybe it's because I can turn to them for help is the reason they're involved… I don't know anymore.

Superior sent me and Zexion and Vexen out on a mission to what he called "Earth" a few days ago… To this big convention thingy. Apparently, tons of other people from different worlds were all supposed to be going. I was really nervous… And we all went together. We were supposed to be there as a group- a team, right? Which we were… But apparently, there's something going… on. Between Zexion and Vexen. Like… They're together, I guess the thing is. Huh… Nobody ever told me… Especially since, you know, I'm always with Vexen, and Zexion is so close to me… I was so confused when I first heard.

Anyway… the entire time, they were together. Holding hands, cuddling… and I don't know why it was so much for me! I mean, me and Zexion always do that kind of thing in front of the other members… But when they did it, it made me feel… I don't know, Accent. Kinda, left out, hurt, annoyed, sad… Why? Why did it make me feel so weird? I mean, I _know_ they're only my friends… Nobodies can't love…

But I wanna feel like that too… I wanna have someone who will cuddle with me and tell me I look pretty, and stick up for me when I'm sad, and kiss me and hug me and tell me it's okay when it's not… And be willing to help me through anything… But Nobodies don't have people like that.

All I have is the darkness… and they have each other.

We're a group- a team! We're supposed to be in it together, but they focus around each other a ton, and its makin me feel kinda like I don't matter as much to them as to each other. When they draw for each other and show _everyone_ that they love each other more than anything.

That's a spectacular thing to do! It's great to know you have someone. It's great to tell them you love them. Is it just me that feels so weird over something like that?

I'm in the way- I just know it. I'm in the way of their love. If they feel like that, let them feel like that. Let them cuddle and kiss and hug. And if I feel weird about it, well, that's _my_ problem!

I'm a terrible friend to think otherwise- I'm totally not being supportive to them. To think that they'll put down everything to make me feel better, to put down each other to include me. They do it because they care about me, but I guess something inside me makes me feel like I don't matter as much to them as each other…

And I'm so confused, Accent! Nobody else feels this way about their relationship… Maybe it's cause I'm too sensitive? Or maybe its something else…

Why have I always felt so strongly about them? Always talked about them when they aren't there, always showed off that I cared about them, and always said 'I love you' when I know they don't love me back?

Do I _really_ love them?

It can't be like that- I'm in the way now. Stupid memories of emotion… I guess they'll run wild sometimes and I can't stop em… Just makes me feel weird that I can't actually feel them. Ha…

Anyway, I'd better go, Accent. Gotta catch up on some mission work and then head to bed. Got a big day tomorrow.

Yup. Thanks for listening… night, Accent.


End file.
